Why is Miscarriage Such a Shameful Thing to Talk About?
I was recently asked that question in a podcast interview. Whether you have experienced a miscarriage or not, listen in to understand this topic of shame…
Ahna: Why is miscarriage such a shameful or taboo thing for women to talk about?
Me: There is a shame of “Something is wrong with me. I did something wrong.”
I think this is the first thing that goes through women’s minds. ”What did I do wrong? What is wrong with my body…that I killed this child?”
Because you are so attached to your child. They are a different human being, but they are in you. You are the one that God created to give them the source to live…and all of the sudden the baby is gone—it dies—then all the questions flood.
You go through the list: Did I do this? Did I not do this? Take all of my vitamins? Overexercise? This list is always…
It’s me.
It’s me.
It’s me.
It’s the shame that we carry—that something is wrong with me, and I don’t want people to know that.
Ahna: What would you say to that shame? What would you say now to this human emotion that everyone experiences whether it’s a miscarriage or not?
Me: I have heard it said before that shame is when it turns and becomes an identity statement—I am my struggle. It’s not…I struggle with anxiety. I struggle with depression.
It is I am “this.”
We are not detaching it in a sense of—“This” is something that happened to me, rather I am “this” thing going through it.
What I would say is…
No. No! You didn’t cause the death of your child. You are not your grief. This is something that has tragically happened to you.
The grief then becomes you. That’s when we can get into that spiral of darkness, instead of seeing it as something separate.
Wait, I am actually more than my miscarriage. I am a mother to two other children. I am a wife. I am a friend. I am a “fill-in the blank.” I am more than what is happening to me. Then we can take grief, see it, and be able to deal with it, instead of it being, “No, ‘this’ is my life.”
imPERFECTly emPOWERed Podcast
Listen or watch the rest of the interview. Here is what I shared:
~Miscarriage Challenges and the Importance of Support
~Navigating Grief and Feelings of Shame
~Overcoming Isolation and Normalizing Grief
~Healing in Marriage
To expound more on when shame was becoming my identity after the death of our second baby, here is an excerpt from my book:
My epidural is wearing off, and I am able to get up and use the restroom with help. It doesn’t take long, though, to be independent. Since I am having full mobility again, that means that my bowels should be working soon too…I am anxious for what is to come. I can feel something going on now.
I quickly move to the toilet, and the pain intensifies…Sure enough…I’m having a Crohn’s flare-up. And then…
I lose it.
I’m naked. Vulnerable. Exposed. Despair and grief escape my lungs in gut-wrenching cries.
Brett rushes in and crouches down in front of me, trying to calm me down.
“It’s me! It’s me!” I yell over and over again. “This cursed Crohn’s! It has to be me!”
I’m sobbing uncontrollably now. The dam has broken. The flood waters overtake me. Before, maybe I could accept another miscarriage if it’s a common result of one in four pregnancies. I think of all the women who have sympathized with me who have had miscarriages, even multiple miscarriages…this is not unusual. But I can no longer accept that. This isn’t simply another common miscarriage. Both babies, perfectly fine, growing normal, and BAM! At the same time…die. With Seth, I had a Crohn’s flare-up before he died, and now I’m having a Crohn’s flare-up after Roi dies.
If there is nothing wrong with my babies, then it has to be me. That is going to be so much harder to accept. In this moment, I’m suffocating from the smoke as I walk through the fire…and the fear of the grief that is to come if this is true.
Brett soothes me. He calms me down. I finally get off the toilet and step into the shower. The hot water washes over me as I vigorously try to scrub the shame from my body. I get out and crawl back into bed.
There is hope! I didn’t stay there. Read how I overcame my shame and how you can too in Living Hope: Giving Birth to Death Brought Life.
Or listen to the podcast for encouragement.