The very thing you thought was dying…God will keep surprising you.
May 3, 2022
Reagan and Roman,
I’m watching you. I see you pulling those books down off of the homeschool cabinet. I hesitated at first. These are very precious books, and I don’t want you to ruin them. But I let go of my control, because even at 22 months old, I want to begin telling you your story…
That there is your big brother, Seth. And in that book is your big brother, Roi. You haven’t met them, nor will you ever on this earth. But just because you don’t know them, or weren’t here yet to hold them like Sissy and Damon did doesn’t make them any less your brothers too.
Your brothers were each in Mommy’s belly for only thirteen short weeks, but they are now in Heaven with Jesus. It was a very sad time, but Jesus never left us. He carried us through the grief and pain to find life and hope. In fact, Mommy wrote everything down and turned it into a book so that someday you both can read it! Oh, I cannot wait to share who this Jesus is so that you can experience His presence and comfort no matter what you face in life.
Yes, that picture is Mommy. No, that is not a “ball.” Haha! My belly looks like a huge ball because you both were inside it! This is your birth story book. Yes, that is a “baby.” That baby is Reagan. This baby is Roman.
And this is where your story comes in. Mommy wrote this in her book one year before you were born, before you were even in my belly:
“I ponder over the legacy, the influence of Seth and Roi on this earth, even if they never took a single breath. Can they have an influence posthumous? Their legacies, their stories, and how they have impacted Brett, me, Kherington, and Damon would be part of the script God had for them from the very beginning…
“God has purpose for Seth and Roi. Their lives and deaths were not a fluke, or an accident, or a misfortune. They aren’t “if onlys” or “at leasts.” No, this book is evidence of their purpose, blessing, and hope.” (From Living Hope, pg. 178)
Now, as I watch you innocently and happily turn the pages of these birth books, I can testify that the script God had for Seth and Roi is continuing to be written. Every day that passes, their legacies and purpose continue to live on in YOU. I don’t get it. I don’t understand the sovereign ways of God. But the lives and deaths of your brothers made way for you to be here with us.
This isn’t to bring shame or guilt on you. Quite the opposite! You have the privilege and blessing to fulfill a purpose God set them apart for. Your lives are daily reminders of the Lord’s redemption, grace, and compassion. Your middle names, Hail and Mak, declare, “Living Hope,” for our hope is found only in the living Jesus Christ. The Lord knew you before you became that “ball” in my womb. Like Seth and Roi, He has written a script for each of you, Reagan and Roman.
I know you don’t understand right now, but I pray someday you will. Until then, I’ll sit back and watch with joy as you turn each page that tells a story…
a story that you have been set apart for.
Love, Mommy
August 3, 2023
I wrote that over a year ago. I tucked it away in a laptop folder filled with other hidden writings that are sacred between God and me. But I brought this one out, because something recently has been made more clear to me.
As the boys have turned three years old (yes, three already!), I watch them and reflect on how life turns out differently than I ever would have imagined. I wonder if Seth would have looked like one of the twins, or if Roi would have had a similar personality to the other twin. Some days, I’m still shocked I have twin boys! Mostly, I marvel at how crazy, beautiful, vast, and unsearchable are the ways of God.
Brett has said that God may have some specific purpose for Reagan and Roman. Not that every child doesn’t have purpose; they all do. But how does a parent explain that God allowed a death of a child, then a second death of a child, then sustain the life of two children? Why not only Seth? Why not then Roi? We wrestle and we don’t know, but we don’t need to know because we trust the One who does. God has a script for Reagan and Roman, while He also had purpose for the short lives of Seth and Roi.
God keeps on surprising me. As I sit outside watching the twins play, there on my phone is a screenshot that a friend sent me from a book on her Kindle:
“The babies we have lost remain part of us forever. The experience changes our brains, changes our bodies, and the babies we lose leave behind their cells. Furthermore, the cells from the babies we lose can transfer from our babies through the umbilical cord into the future babies we carry, so the babies we birth also contain cells from babies we may have lost.” (From The Nurture Revolution, pg. 57, emphasis mine.)
I knew the stunning reality that Seth and Roi stay with me. This is why we can never try to lessen, disregard, shame, or hurry the pain and grief of a woman with loss. The baby (or babies, for many) “remain part of us forever.” Let that alone sink in.
Yet there’s more. I read the quote on my phone again. The screen becomes blurry as tears start to form, and I look up across the backyard at Reagan and Roman. My hypothetical thinking and wondering are made true. Seth and Roi ARE living on through Reagan and Roman. Not only their legacies and purpose, but their very cells. Their life-giving cells.
My hands cover my face as I weep. I wipe my tears and look over at our giant tree, abundant with the summer green leaves. Leaves! I quickly find a copy of my book, Living Hope, and flip to the last chapter to read:
"Two breathtaking, colorful leaves were given to me. I was blessed to carry and hold my boys, Seth and Roi. Those two colorful leaves might have fallen to the ground, but they continued to have purpose. Leaves decompose over the dormant winter months to become fertilizer, nourishing the soil to sustain the growth of the very tree from which it fell. I was afraid my womb was dying in those dark, grief-filled months, but the Lord wasn’t done with my tree. He was nourishing my soul with the abundance of His presence, while also preparing my womb for the abundance of life. My two bundle scars budded two new green leaves.” (From Living Hope, pg. 214)
My mind is blown. “Giving Birth to Death Brought Life.” It’s not only hypothetical…it’s not only spiritual…it’s actually physical! In God’s breath-taking, awe-struck, detailed, specific, orderly creation, He used the life cells of Seth and Roi to continue life into Reagan and Roman.
Need I say more?
If you know me, yes, yes I do. ;)
Is this not a glorious picture of the gospel?! This is why I geek over the anatomy and physiology of the human body. God’s fingerprints are everywhere telling a Story. My story of Seth and Roi, and Reagan and Roman point to the Greater, Ultimate Story…
The gospel story that Jesus, God in human flesh, came to this earth to die, defeating sin’s curse of death over us. But He didn’t stay dead; His resurrection is the life-giving power transferred to those who believe. We have life eternal, because Jesus IS Life, and He gave Himself.
I enthusiastically tell Kherington and Damon this revelation about their brothers. I explain as simply as possible how Seth and Roi’s cells could most likely be in Reagan and Roman. I continue,
“This is how amazing our God is! All of life, everywhere around us, is about life coming out of death. For example, what does winter represent? What happens to plants, grass, and flowers?”
“They die,” the kids respond.
“And what happens every spring?”
“It comes back to life.”
“Exactly. We can trust that spring always comes after winter. God’s purpose is to bring life from death. You know how there is a leaf on my book? Do you know that the very leaves that die and fall off of the trees, actually fertilize—become nutrients or food—for the trees so they grow new leaves?!”
“Oh!” Damon exclaims. “I get it! So Seth and Roi died, but their cells gave life to Reagan and Roman like the leaves!”
“Yes! That is who God is. He is ALWAYS, ALWAYS working to bring life from death. The ultimate example is what you were recently reminded of in baptism class. Jesus died, was buried, and then came to life. God reveals life from death everywhere, even in His creation. The deaths and lives of your brothers display this gospel truth.”
Kherington and Damon are holding Brett's dog tags with Seth’s and Roi's names and birthdates.
Friend, where is “death” in your own life? Or what is on the brink of dying? Maybe it’s an unforeseen career change, financial fail, marriage, relationship, betrayal, diagnosis, unfulfilled expectation, or the “death” of your sin and its consequences.
It’s excruciating pain. It’s loss of control. It’s feelings of fear, shame, insecurity, failure, and hopelessness. It’s humbling. BUT it doesn’t have to be the end. This could be the way to bring life. God’s purpose is to never leave you there. He is so good and loving and gracious that He wants to use any and all death in our lives to bring us abundant life. If God is merciful to bring life from dying creation, how much more is He with our own souls?
It may not be what we want or think “abundant life” should be: a better, easier circumstance, more money, the dream finally fulfilled, reconciliation of the friendship, physical healing, God’s justice on the betrayer, a more loving spouse, you fill in the blank. These are all good things, where God is able to work the miraculous. Yet, He knows what we personally need that is life-giving to our souls. Our expectations are too small, earthly, and finite. His purposes are “exceedingly abundantly above all that we ask or think” (Ephesians 3:20) and will last for all eternity.
Life from death could mean:
His safe and secure presence when you feel alone, misunderstood, abandoned, or mistreated.
Contentment and gratefulness in the lack of financial security.
Forgiveness for the betrayer.
Comfort and peace that transcends all understanding in the death of a loved one.
Deep inner joy and hope through the suffering.
Faith and trust in the uncertainty, unknown, and waiting.
Freedom from the bondage of sin.
This is how the gospel of Jesus’ death and resurrection gives us power to transform us, causing us to look, think, and act differently to the rest of the world. We change to become like Him, even if our circumstances and the people in our lives do not. The effects of death are all around us, yet we can proclaim and point to LIFE, which is only found in Jesus Himself.
When we are in the deep, dark valley, it’s hard to see. Sometimes, we won’t fully see until Jesus comes again to destroy death once and for all. But hope is holding onto His promise that He will bring life in some way, some purpose out of your death. God will keep surprising you. That very thing you thought was dying, He just might be creating new life out of it. Wait for it. Look for it. Trust Him for it…
“Eye has not seen nor ear has heard nor heart has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him.” (1 Corinthians 2:9)
Artwork by Hannah at Rush's Rainbows