I can never look at a fall leaf the same

While many are obsessing over all things pumpkin spice or debating if it’s too early to put up their Christmas tree, I have a different emotional response this time of year. Fall has always been my favorite season. I love the cool mornings, snuggling with coffee and a blanket on the couch as the rising sun shines through our back windows. (Don’t be envious—the peace ends within seconds when my toddler twins throw their bowls of oatmeal, reminding me, it sure is a new day.) Brett and I started dating in October, so corn mazes, hoodies and jeans, and football take me back down memory lane. (It will be 20 years this month!) But my favorite part of this season is the breathtaking beauty of the changing colors of the leaves on the trees. 

As much as I look forward to watching the leaves change, I can never look at a fall leaf the same. Both of my sons, Seth and Roi, were due to be born in the fall. And the Lord spoke to me through the process of leaves dying. Here is a chapter excerpt from my book, written on Sunday, November 11, 2018, only months after we had lost our first baby, Seth. 

***If you have not read my book, Living Hope, and do not like spoilers…buy it here now!!!***

Sunday, November 11, 2018

I’m looking for God every day and in every moment while we are here in Virginia. Over and over I have seen Him and am at peace that my family is right where we are supposed to be. He took us to Roanoke, Virginia, and one of those reasons, I believe, is because He wants me to worship Him in the mountains, among the changing colors of the billions of leaves on the trees enveloping us wherever we go. From the moment we hit West Virginia on the drive here, it’s been breathtaking. I grew up in Pennsylvania, and I miss the beauty of the Appalachian Mountains. And the best time, of course, is in the fall. The beauty of the colors never gets old. I can’t keep my eyes off the trees. I said to my family, “If it’s this beautiful on earth, then I can’t wait to see what Heaven looks like!” 

Hmm…I thought more about that. If it is this beautiful here…on earth…where moth and rust corrupt. Where creation is groaning to be made perfect. Where life is a vapor. Where everything is meaningless under the sun except to fear God and keep His commands. Where death is the norm and guaranteed. Then, I definitely cannot wait for Heaven! Yet, it also brought me to a place in my heart of worship. That even in this world full of sin where the Devil roams and it is currently his domain, God’s beauty still prevails. He hasn’t kept all of it from us. He wants us to enjoy it. To give us a glimpse. He wants us to see Him in spite of the bad and ugly.   

My mind went deeper focusing on the changing colors of the leaves. Subconsciously, I know that the changing colors is the process of the leaf dying. But now I’m beginning to understand what this process actually means. Through this journey this past year, my eyes have been opened to see the beauty in the process of dying. I pulled up Google and searched for the scientific process of leaves changing colors. The death of the leaf occurs because of the destruction of chlorophyll. Chlorophyll is responsible for the green color. It is how the leaf stays alive as it absorbs the light from the sun to convert into energy. However, once the days get shorter, and winter is around the corner, the tree is needing to go into the dormancy state in order to survive the cold. Therefore, nutrients from the leaf are pulled into the stem and roots, which starts the breakdown of chlorophyll. If there is no energy or nutrients to survive, the leaf ultimately dies and falls off.  

But why do the leaves change color? One site I read quotes, “…the plant’s ability to synthesize chlorophyll becomes reduced, and yellow and orange carotenoids and xanthophylls, always present within the leaf, begin to show…cells also produce other chemicals, particularly anthocyanins, responsible for red and purple colors. Some species…contain high quantities of tannins in the leaves which are responsible for brown colors.”

What caught my attention was the phrase, “always present within the leaf.” What? Why, God? Why would You create these chemicals that produce the red, orange, yellow, and brown colors, what we know as fall colors, that are only to be displayed as the leaves are dying? Green is pretty. But the array of these fall colors steps it up to another dimension of beauty. I wish I could freeze the fall season and the state of these colorful leaves longer than the month or two during this process of the destruction of chlorophyll before they finally fall off.  

For some reason, God waited. The colors, always present within the leaf, have been hiding from the moment in spring when the leaves bud again until the chlorophyll breaks down in the fall. Then, and only then, is it their time to shine. And truly shine as the sun peeks over the mountain tops and the light explodes onto the mountains, allowing the colors to glisten. If I didn’t know that death was coming for these leaves…If I didn’t know that these colors only come right before death…If I didn’t know that the only time they were seen was in the process of death…I wouldn’t believe it. It’s too beautiful. It’s too breathtaking. It’s too awe-inspiring. 

Maybe that’s my answer to “Why, God?” Because it brings me to my knees. To worship my God of redemption, grace, and unfailing love, who created the process of death to be…a beautiful thing. He wants me to really see Him. Not only to see and may I say, feel, what’s on the outside, but to look deeper on the inside. To understand that the deeper I seek Him, the more His goodness surrounds me and overwhelms me. His love makes me undone. And I’m finding this as a result of death, in the midst of pain. 

Death has to mean something to God, since right before it, He would put one last masterpiece of His majestic beauty on display in these leaves before they die. It may be short-lived when I want it to last. But He doesn’t want it to last because He knows that death is necessary. And it’s not the end. The tree may go dormant, but come spring, what was left on the branch are bundle scars which are going to bud new leaves. Then the process will repeat the next year. The purpose of the dying is to bring life again. 

Only now can I truly see that my journey of experiences from death to life has been beautiful. Painful, oh so much. But beautiful like the fall leaves currently surrounding me in these Virginia mountains. I am learning that I don’t have to fear death. Or pain. Or the future. Because I trust…

…The One who intricately designed the leaves to change colors before death. Even in the dying, whether in the spiritual or physical realm, I will look for God’s fingerprints of beauty, even if for a moment, and worship Him. The picture of the leaf on my hospital room door was a sign of death, but a place where I held God’s masterpiece of creation for a brief moment. 

…The One who now holds my baby after I held and said goodbye to his beautiful, red-blood-colored body whose life was too short…oh, I wish it could have been more…but it was like the short-lived colored leaves before death. I’ll never look at fall trees the same again. Seth was due to come into this world in the fall. He may not be here, but the thirteen weeks he was in my womb and the aftermath of his death has impacted me more than anything in my life. Those thirteen weeks were full of color before he died. His short time to shine bright has changed me forever. 

…The One who, in His hands, holds life, which in Him and through Him and by Him only comes after death. Seth didn’t wither and fall away to be forgotten, raked, or burned. He is now complete in the presence of Jesus, His Creator. The result of death that God desires for each of us. 

Now, waiting in anticipation for these leaves to die and fall as the trees prepare for winter, I can trust the One who has kept me in a dormant state. Not to withhold something better from me. Or to punish me. But to actually allow each and every circumstance, painful experience, boundary, and cutting away in my life to change me. To ultimately prevent or minimize any damage that could occur, just like the chlorophyll changes into amino acids and sugar to act as antifreeze to protect the trees from the cold winter months. I praise Him for dormancy. For the waiting. For the changes. They were put into place to protect me from further harm or damage. 

Then, finally after winter…the period of dormancy…the waiting…I can trust the One who has helped me with my unbelief, to believe that my branch, my womb, holds a bundle scar that was left by Seth after he fell away to the presence of God, and that this bundle scar will someday…

bud a new leaf.

~From Living Hope, Chapter 17: The Death of a Leaf

My story continued as a new bud formed, but the outcome was not at all what I expected. If you haven’t yet, I encourage you to read my book to see how I found Living Hope from giving birth to death.