This beautiful truth changed my marriage: “This is an “us-thing.”
The clock shines too brightly at 5 a.m., and I’m wide awake. My body thinks it is 8 a.m. back home in Indiana. Brett is motionless beside me in the hotel bed. I wish I could sleep at anytime, anywhere like he can. Without any luck falling back asleep, I reach for my phone to distract me. My thoughts quickly remind me of the reason we are here on the West Coast: our first film premiere at the famous TCL Chinese Theatre in Hollywood.
My stomach turns to a flutter of nerves and excitement. Mostly nervous that my dress is too fancy, my hair will be a flop, or I won’t remember my friend’s makeup tutorial. Yet probably the biggest reason for the anxiousness: people will see right through me and question whether I belong here with all the movie glam and attention.
Since there is no hope of falling back to sleep, I Google red carpet events and scroll through pictures of celebrities. All different looks and styles pop out from my phone in the dark. One thing I notice…the pictures of the celebrities are of themselves standing alone. I use different search key words for events and specific celebrity names, yet every image I find is of actors and actresses smiling for the camera…alone. If a couple is showcased together, it appears to be because both of them are celebrities. At least this is what is published for the world to see, and I know that pictures don’t tell the whole story.
Gulp. Well, maybe that’s a relief, Christina. You don’t have to worry that your nails aren’t done, you bought your dress at a consignment shop, and you did your own hair and makeup… because maybe you won’t be photographed to capture the evidence. No one is going to care anyway if their attention is on the celebrities. I keep these thoughts to myself.
Hours later we are arrive at the Theatre. We are one of the first ones to pull up and walk out. We are greeted by our escort for the evening, Lexi. We follow her to the section of the carpet where all the photographers are hiding behind their massive lenses, looking like a pack of animals waiting to pounce. I am thankful for the red velvet ropes.
Do I stay with Brett? Do I stand off to the side? Before I could make a decision, Brett grabs my hand and pulls me in front of the cameras with him. OK, I guess I’m doing this. We pose and smile while several flashes light up the already dark evening.
American Underdog 2021
Lexi asks if Brett would like to do interviews and leads us to the next line of entertainment and news station reporters. Again, Brett pulls me right up next to him. During one of the interviews, I could tell the camera was close on Brett and most likely cutting me off. Even though I’m confident I’m not being seen, I engage in the conversation, and Brett even looks over at me a few times. The reporter eventually asks me a question; I think because it would have been awkward for her if she completely ignored my presence.
(Later, we watched one of the interviews on social media, and sure enough, I was cut off, even though you can hear me laugh and see the side of me under Brett’s arm. 😜)
Fast forward to a few days later. The images are posted online of all those who walked the carpet for the film premiere. Brett speaks up first after scrolling through them. “You know what I noticed after looking at all these pictures? Everyone was by themselves. The only ones that had their pictures taken with their spouse or significant other was if the other one was a well-known celebrity too.”
Huh. He caught on to what I had noticed the early morning of the premiere. But then my heart sank. Oh, no. Maybe I should have stepped to the side for at least one of his pictures!
He continues before I could say anything. “But you know what? I wanted you by my side the entire time. I did not want any pictures alone. Because this isn’t a ‘me-thing.’ This is an ‘us-thing.’ I didn’t do this. We did this together.”
Play the Flute 2018 ~ Pulled From Darkness 2022
Ugh. Cue. The. Tears. We didn’t need to go see a love story on the big screen between Kurt and Brenda Warner; I have one right here. But before you roll your eyes or say, “Well that’s good for you, but not everyone gets that lucky”…I can tell you one thing: it sure isn’t about luck. The cards could have fallen quite differently. I don’t have the time to go into the last twenty years of Brett’s and my relationship on a little blog post, but you’ll get more bits and pieces if you stay on my couch long enough.
That was a significant night for me. Not because I walked a black carpet. (That’s right; it wasn’t even red!) Not because I was with other celebrities. (You quickly find that they are normal people just like you and me, except they have their lives on a bigger display.) Or because I was in the TLC Chinese Theatre. It was significant because of what Brett stated.
Unfortunately, it’s taken me way too long in our marriage to see that Brett’s filmmaking career is an “us-thing.” I have struggled with how to be a “filmmaker’s wife” who isn’t in the film world because I didn’t think I could offer anything for him. I don’t have a desire to be an actress or a part of the film crew. In fact, I’ve tried, and my gifting and personality are not exactly suitable for “hurry up and wait.” Therefore, I believed I couldn’t relate to him in this significant area of his life.
The film life is also public and glamorous. Don’t get me wrong…premieres are a fun excuse to get fancy for a nice night out with Brett to celebrate. But most of the time, my messy curls are tangled, my nails are broken, my makeup is plain when I do wear it, and my clothes are not from the latest trend. (I’m smiling now as I write this, thinking through all my premiere dresses…most all were borrowed or hand-me-downs! Thank you, Mom, for letting me shop in your closet!) Furthermore, I believe the film industry is too elevated in our culture. Actors and actresses are put on display as desirable. Numerous award ceremonies showcase filmmakers’ talents and successes like no other industry.
Treasure Lies 2020
Therefore, I battled with feelings of insecurity, never measuring up or fitting in, envy of the attention and success, and shame that people would reject me if they really knew me and my struggles. Therefore, film was something Brett did, while I stayed not only behind-the-scenes of the specific film project, but hid way in the back at home to take care of things there, while fighting FOMO.
I obviously believed lies about myself, but further gas was poured on the fire when people referred to me only as “Brett Varvel’s wife,” or gushed nonstop to me how talented his co-star actress was, or pushed me to the side for the leading actress to be showcased beside Brett. None of this is intentionally mean-spirited. “This is only the industry,” they say.
I even missed Brett’s very first film premiere for The Board when we were only four month newlyweds. Tubes and monitors were hooked up to me as I lay in a hospital bed battling a toxic fungus called histoplasmosis. Bless my sister who sat with me so I wouldn’t be alone while missing the big event. I could share more stories of how it seems like the odds have been against us since the moment we walked back down the wedding aisle together…or the truer reality, the spiritual warfare we have and continue to face that is trying to pull us apart, hindering us from the mission God has for us.
The War Within 2013
Over time, yet not without these false perceptions, bitterness, and heartache, the Spirit has revealed to me His vision for my marriage. I always believed Brett and I were automatically a team because we were married. But that didn’t equate to doing everything in life as a team. Rather, there should be no lines that separate. There are no “that is your thing” and “this is my thing.” When God says, “…and they became ONE flesh,” He meant it in every possible way.
Brett’s film world is an “us-thing” not because I found a place in it or am noticed beside him. Actually, the question I received most often the night of that film premiere in Hollywood was, “So are you an actress then? Or are you in the film industry?” A few years ago, I would have forced a polite, “No,” while gritting my teeth, and be tempted to spat back, “Do I HAVE to be in the film industry to be married to a filmmaker?”
Yet that night, I could finally laugh and confidently say, “Nope. And I have no desire.” And then Brett butts in, “She’s my business partner, she homeschools our children, and she just wrote a book.” I wanted to step on his toes now.
Honestly, my role hasn’t changed much. Instead, the Lord has given me His vision not to see clearly but to see blurry: the blurriness of our lives harmoniously interwoven in everything…
He asks me my advice on every project endeavor. We pray and decide on each film role together. We do everything in our power for our family to go with him on film locations. I run lines with him and record his audition tapes. He pulls me close by his side to pose for the cameras.
My writing is an “us-thing” not because Brett sits down and writes with me. He was my first and biggest encourager to write a book. He continues to cultivate my gift and passion by watching the kids so I can be alone to write. He takes the big kids to his office so they can have a new and exciting environment to do homeschool, while he answers all their questions. He listens to me verbally process everything. Yeah, that’s pretty much all I need most of the time.
There is a whole host of things we do side by side that I’m running out of room to mention. But please remember that all marriages are in a spiritual war, and ours is not any different. We also argue, hang up the phone, keep record of wrongs that are thrown in faces, and slam doors while leaving the house without saying goodbye. Gasp. Yep, far from perfect.
But this beautiful truth has changed our marriage: There are no “me-things.” Everything is an “us-thing.” There are no “I did this,” but instead, “We did this together.”
Mayberry Man 2021
Now, here we are embarking on a new film adventure. This fall, we will be in production of Disciples. The premise: A reluctant leader heads up a team of 7 Christians intent on smuggling Bibles to underground churches in a future America where the Bible is illegal and danger is around every corner.
Disciples dramatically illustrates the cost of following Jesus. It challenges believers to examine their own response in the face of persecution. Disciples proclaims the beauty of the gospel of Jesus Christ. It powerfully depicts what it looks like to lay it all on the line “for the Word of God and the testimony of Jesus Christ.”
Watch the concept video below.
Intrigued? We are asking people who are committed to this message to come alongside us in fervently praying and financially giving. We are close to reaching our budget, but need the Body of Christ to help. If you are interested in joining the prayer team, receiving updates on the film, or learning more about donating or investing, go here: houseofgracestudios.com/disciples.
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