I wanted to quit homeschooling
I wanted to quit.
This was the first time in six years that I asked myself if I could honestly continue to homeschool.
I was planning on posting only these pictures on social media. But since pictures don’t tell the whole story, I felt I would be deceiving you.
The past five months have been difficult with the twins. By January, they had dropped their morning nap which is during our school hours, and they replaced it with nonstop moving, climbing, fighting, eating, crying, pooping, throwing food, and tantrums…Oh, they also do all of the cute stuff that I post on social media. But since social media also never tells the entire story…
It’s more like Damon covering his ears trying to tune out the sound of the twins’ constant noise-making so he can concentrate. Or him yelling out his spelling words as the twins fuss and fight over me to hold them. Or Kherington asking me to help her with this, while Damon needs that, and one twin is on top of the kitchen table, while the other just flipped off of the couch. No exaggerations over here. One recent day, a chef knife was involved.
My kids have heard me say way too many times, “There is one of me. There are four of you. Please be patient.” I run to my bedroom, fall on my bed, and have my own tantrum, leaving them all to fend for themselves. (Don’t worry, I removed the knife first.)
Back in March, Brett and I went on a short getaway and started the conversations of what other options are available, what could possibly change, and what could I realistically handle right now, especially with the physical issues I’ve been experiencing over the past year. We’ve always taken homeschooling one year at a time, praying and asking the Lord for wisdom, and seeking what is best for our family at that time of our lives. I have not regretted one year so far and am confident it has been what is best for us.
Yet after this past year, I started to doubt. Therefore, for several weeks I’ve been searching my heart, motives, and concerns, the pros and cons of other options, and asking the Lord to show me His desire for us.
The answer was not what I expected. The Lord didn’t reveal to me what would be the best educational option for Kherington and Damon. He didn’t convict me that my kids were missing out on this or that and it would be detrimental to His future will for them, or that Damon should be in an undistracted environment to focus better. He didn’t show me a better planner to schedule our days, activities to distract the twins, or a different curriculum. (All good things in and of themselves!)
The Lord didn’t condemn me, tell me I wasn’t doing enough, shame me for messing up over and over again, or plant doubt in my mind that I’m failing my kids.
No, that was my voice. All I could hear and see was the chaos, the crying (more than I care to admit), my outbursts of anger and frustration (even more than I care to admit), and everything out of my control.
Instead, because of the Lord’s lovingkindness and mercy, He confirmed that this is where my family is supposed to be by opening my eyes to see myself and my children from His perspective.
First, He sent me several sweet encouragements, through my children and other people reaching out to tell me the fruit they have seen in them. It’s easy to have tunnel vision with our lives, seeing only the negative and then believing lies. But when someone else comes alongside you that sees a different view, they can speak truth that silences those lies.
I then enlarged my view of the year as a whole, and not only on individual days that were terribly ugly that should never be repeated, and what I now see is that Kherington and Damon have grown in ways that I could never have imagined. I believe they have matured spiritually, emotionally, and mentally more these past few years through our losses of Seth and Roi and the way the twins have turned our world upside down than anything I, or anyone else for that matter, could have taught them in a textbook. And it was only because they were home to experience the day in day out life lessons, both the beautiful and the ugly.
Only the Lord can take the past several years of which we have deemed “survival mode” and has used it to help our children thrive. Only He can use my daily sin to teach my children the gospel. Only He can use my children to teach me the gospel.
Gloria Furman writes in her book, Treasuring Christ When Your Hands Are Full:
“When I view motherhood not as a gift from God to make me holy but rather as a role with tasks that get in my way, I am missing out on one of God’s ordained means of spiritual growth in my life…
“By God’s grace I can resist the temptation to treat my children as interruptions to my will for my life. Instead, God enables me to treat my children as precious gifts he is using to shape me into his image according to his will for my life.”
The Lord recently brought this book into my life, and the Spirit used it to convict me: I was the one that needed changing, not the kids’ environment. My perspective and expectations of what homeschool should be now with toddler twins, my idol of control, and my selfish desires needed to change, not my curriculum, planner, or school choice. I was treating my children as interruptions, and was desiring an easier, less chaotic life. There is wisdom in asking if the current situation is unhealthy or damaging, and if further help is needed. But this was not the case. I thought maybe if they were out of the house, mommy could breathe.
Rather, the Lord spoke to me that He is my breath. His grace and presence is what I should be pursuing, not striving for a perfectly calm school day, the twins fussing less, or my house sparkling clean. Looking back, the days that were most joyful for me were because I was desperate for Jesus’ grace and enjoying Him. Furthermore, He always gives me exactly what I need, to do what He has asked of me.
“God is able to make all grace abound to you, so that having all sufficiency in all things at all times, you may abound in every good work.” (2 Corinthians 9:8, ESV)
As I continued to lose my tunnel vision, my understanding of El Roi’s viewpoint expanded as He whispered to me that He sees me and my children. My children finished their schooling just fine, but when I’m caught up in the day-to-day to-do list, and I’ve reached my limit of the word “MOM!,” I often forget that academics alone are not eternally important. The Lord reminded me that He is using all of this for my children’s and my own spiritual growth—holiness and sanctification—that will last for eternity. There is purpose in every moment of every day, even when I flop on the couch exhausted after putting the twins to bed and hear a huge crash…and I run upstairs to find a twin who fell out of his crib. Sigh.
So next school year, the Lord’s mercies will be new every morning as He gives us more opportunities to be made more like Him. Instead of wanting to quit, I pray this will be my response in the chaos:
“There is one of me. There are four of you. And we all need Jesus right now.”
Read how Kherington and Damon learned about grief, death, hope, and eternal life in my book.