When you think you’ve lost the battle…
The Kroger parking lot is dark as I walk to my car. I quickly get in and look around, trying to figure out where I’m going to keep the vase of flowers from tipping over. Brett will not be happy if flower juice dumps all over his car. Neither do I want it spilled all over me as I head to the club tonight. I secure it in the middle console and drive off before I’m late.
“Why am I even buying these flowers?” Dark thoughts of doubt start to creep into my mind. “Is anyone really going to care?”
One day prior I woke up to a text from a friend to hear that a dancer passed away. She worked at the strip club where I bring gifts to the employees with the ministry Unconditional Ministries. I decided to buy flowers for the dressing room in honor of the woman who had died.
I’m already feeling poured out with nothing else left to give. I cringe at my next thought, “The flowers will die, and it’s not going to bring the girl’s soul back.”
I continue to drive, and anger is rising within me. Another life taken. I want to scream. My flesh wants to take over because I feel the desire to walk away and not care about anything or anyone for once. To stop fighting against the spiritual war we are in. To stop caring so much for people. Is it even worth it when it seems like all the loving, serving, and self-sacrifice isn’t working?
As I look around the world right now…even closer as I look around my own small circle of life…it appears that there are more going down defeated than dancing through the streets celebrating a victory with joy.
As I think about those suffering around me, my hand starts to clench in a fist. I’m hesitant to go there…to shake my fist and ask the “Why, God?” question. Why all the suffering? When will it stop? I’m like Habakkuk overwhelmed with the evil and suffering, and I’m asking, “How long, Lord…” (Habakkuk 1:2, HCSB)
Artist: Gary Varvel
I am reminded of something I wrote in my book when I was wrestling with anger, doubt, and the waiting. After I lost Roi, I sat at a park to write out my thoughts and emotions. I asked the Lord, “Is it so wrong for us to hope for abundance and blessing in this life, and not have to wait for Heaven? This is what I heard the Spirit say to me, and wherever you are in your battle, I pray the Spirit speaks to you too:
“No. It’s not wrong. We, the Father, Son, and Spirit, have from the very beginning, which was infinitely before, only desired abundance for you. We have put this desire and restless search in your heart because that is Our purpose for you. This is why we can sit and weep with you. This is why Jesus died for you. This is why we suffered for you and suffer with you. We desire to make all things right again. But the time has not yet come.
Don’t give up. Keep letting us fight for you. Keep looking for Our goodness. And for your abundance. Our ways are so unsearchable that we never do two things the same. Your abundance will be different.
Also, I have Seth and Roi. And I have you. You are mine too. Remember, I Am El Roi — I see you. And I don’t love you any less because you are still suffering the ongoing pain of their losses, especially since they have received all of their abundance.”
~Excerpt from Living Hope: Giving Birth to Death Brought Life, pages 140-141
The Lord sees and loves my friends at the club who are processing the sudden death of their friend.
The Lord sees and loves my friend and her boyfriend, as we pray that his tumor, Pharaoh, will be eradicated along with the other chariots (tumors) and horsemen (cancer cells).
The Lord sees and loves a reader of my book, who shares her heartbreaking story of suffering the death of a close relationship. She says, “It torments my soul…But…El Roi. I am seen. The darkness is me under the shadow of his wings.”
The Lord sees and loves my friend and his family who grieve the loss of his mom in a tragic car accident.
The Lord sees and loves my sister and brother-in-law who are at the end of their rope in weariness and desperation to find solutions to their daughter’s medical needs.
The Lord sees and loves the teenager sitting across from me in the counseling room who confesses to self-harm.
The Lord sees and loves those of you who recently miscarried.
The Lord sees and loves you as you fight your own battle.
My fist releases and instead of anger at God, I’m now like Jacob, wrestling with Him, waiting for Him to follow through on His promises for me and those I love. I resist my flesh of apathy. I won’t give up on God. I’ve come way too far with Him. If I walked away, my entire life would be a waste. I’m willing to wrestle and wait for the rest of my days on earth, because I do believe that Jesus is worth it.
Jesus is worth it because He has already defeated sin, suffering, and death. There is a cure for our cancerous, deadly sin and its effects. In our battle with sin, the “magic arrow” is Jesus.
“Death, where is your victory?
Death, where is your sting?
Now the sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law.
But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ.”
(1 Corinthians 15:55-57, HCSB)
His death and resurrection was the arrow’s sting to defeat the curse of our sin. Because He stood exposed and vulnerable in our place, being pierced with the wrath of God, we have been shielded for all eternity. Yet only if we kneel in humble submission, trusting in His grace to be enough to protect us. {Redemption}
This is the gospel, yet the good news doesn’t stop here at the cross and resurrection. It continues until that Victory Day when Jesus wins the ultimate battle and makes everything right again. When “we see a new Heaven and a new earth.” When we see “God’s dwelling is with humanity, and He will live with them. They will be His people, and God Himself will be with them and be their God. He will wipe away every tear from their eyes. Death will no longer exist; grief, crying, and pain will exist no longer, because the previous things have passed away…Look! I am making everything new.” (Revelation 21:1, 3-5, HCSB) {Restoration}
Yet how do we hold onto this future hope, as we live in the now, but not yet? I love the honesty in the lyrics of a song by We Are Messengers. They sing, “Cause sometimes heaven feels a million miles, a million miles away.” Can you relate?
Let me comfort your aching heart once more from the story of King Jehoshaphat and Judea. The Lord wins the battle by defeating the enemy. They go home with joy and rejoicing over their enemies. Then there’s this verse…
“When all the surrounding kingdoms heard that the Lord himself had fought against the enemies of Israel,
the fear of God came over them.” (2 Chronicles 20:29, NLT)
Friend, if I could sit across from you, I would hold your hand and tell you…maybe you lost the battle and didn’t get the healing, the miracle, the child, the relationship, the dream job…you fill in the blank…on this earth. But maybe you aren’t defeated after all. Maybe the “win” for you in the now, but not yet…is God fighting for your change in heart and worship, and the fear of the Lord comes over the people who watch your response.
I don’t write this flippantly. In fact, I’m crying as I sit on my balcony overlooking a beautiful pond with mountains in the background and the beach to my right in the Dominican Republic. I write this with my heart broken for so many suffering around me.
Yet I have watched people walk through suffering, tragedy, and heartbreak, and they still praise the Lord. Yes, they doubt, they wrestle with their faith in who God is, they have seasons of deep depression and grief, but they still say, “My God is good. My God is faithful. My God still sees me and loves me.” This wrecks me. This causes me to fall on my face in worship, fearing Him even more! This sets us apart from all other people and religions! This is how we can show people how great our God is. This is how others can fear God and experience His love and grace, because every person who ever live will suffer and needs hope to hold onto.
The visible miracles, answers to prayer, and battle wins definitely draw people to the hope of Jesus Christ. But even Jesus Himself said, “Unless you people see signs and wonders, you will not believe.” (John 4:48, HCSB) Then later He says, “Because you have seen Me, you have believed. Those who believe without seeing are blessed.” (John 20:29, HCSB)
That’s you. That’s me. We are blessed if we believe without seeing. We can bless those around us with how we respond to the effects of this sin-cursed world. That’s the win. It’s allowing the Lord to fight for us, changing our hearts of worship to Him, and changing the hearts of those who hear what the Lord has done in us.
Now that my book has been out for over a year, many people have reached out to me, and I can testify to this being true. The Lord has worked in the hearts of others because of Brett's and my response to the “loss” in our battles with the deaths of Seth and Roi. The Lord didn’t answer our prayers as we wanted. But He also has worked in the hearts of others because of our response to the “win” of our battle with the lives of Reagan and Roman, when He did answer those prayers as we wanted.
In grief and despair, I couldn’t see it. I held onto faith that I would see my boys again because I believe they are living in the presence of my Lord. But now, I can look back and see that because of their deaths on this earth, the Lord changed my heart in more fear and worship of Him, while the fear of God has also come over others. The “win” is not their deaths. Remember, it was never supposed to be this way from the beginning. But God never wastes anything. He’s always working…fighting…even if we cannot see it. Therefore, if more and more people follow Jesus and fear Him because God made sure that Seth and Roi’s deaths were not in vain, then I will sing, and dance, and rejoice in the Lord. I envision Seth and Roi dancing and rejoicing too. This is the best victory I could ever ask for.
It doesn’t take the pain away though. I have said before that I do not understand the ways of God, and how the deaths of Seth and Roi brought about the lives of Reagan and Roman. I weep in grief still over my boys. My tears right now mixed with the salty wind from the Atlantic Ocean won’t completely be wiped away until that Victory Day. Yet I can also testify that the Lord has given me what He gave Jehoshaphat and Judea after the battle…
“Jehoshaphat’s kingdom was at peace, for…God gave…rest…” (vs. 30, NLT)
I rest in His promises...
that He has fought and won the battle on the cross and in the resurrection,
He is fighting and winning the battle now to change our hearts to fear and love Him more,
and He will fight and win the battle once and for all when He makes everything right again.
Whatever battle you are facing, put up the shield with fasting and looking to the Lord. Stand still. Believe. Wait on the Lord. He is fighting for your heart, and people will fear the Lord because of your response. No matter the outcome, you can find lasting peace and rest in the promises of Jesus, my friend.
If music is a balm to your soul like it is for me, I highly recommend the entire album Wholehearted, by We Are Messengers.